BEAT IT, MA!

So who's to blame for your kid's potty mouth?

It's not the proudest moment for any parent when kids increase their vocabulary with bad words. Be it from television, the Internet, friends or family, kids are learning to say the darndest things these days, writes AUDREY VIJAINDREN.

ONE of the many joys of parenting is hearing your child's first words, be it "mama" or "papa".

But when kids develop a "potty mouth", things around the house are not so pleasant anymore.

Potty mouth is a term used when a toddler picks up bad words or swear words and starts repeating them, without always knowing what it means.

More often than not, potty mouth starts even before a parent realises it, when they accidentally blurt out a bad word at home, in front of their kids.

But these days, it seems that potty mouths are more common among school-going children. They've developed more "colourful" words and even codes to hide their language from adults.

Two months ago, it was reported that based on a survey of 69 schools across Britain, more than one in five primary schools had raised the alarm over pupils' conduct.

Children as young as 4 were being expelled from school for violence, including biting, chair-throwing and inappropriate sexual behaviour.

It was reported that some schools were struggling to cope with the disturbing behaviour, especially among children who had been exposed to domestic violence, sexual abuse, poverty or a parent's illness.

But this is not just a problem in Western countries. Malaysian kids are fast picking up on words that once would have caused their mouths to be washed with soap or rubbed with chilli.

While most parents are not at home to keep a close watch on their children, others are feeling the strain and hurt of being on the receiving end of curses and insults.

"Kids are constantly coming up with 'colourful' words these days. They are exposed to the Internet, and don't know how to express their anger, frustration and other feelings.

"Society has become so accommodating with these words, so children don't see anything wrong with it," says SEGi College student counsellor Marian Arumugam.

A problem that starts with primary schoolchildren can become worse as they grow up.

"Once you get hooked on a word like f***, it's difficult to stop using it. It becomes a habit. But you can't stop it all together... you have to gradually teach them that it's inappropriate.

"It usually happens with primary schoolchildren who are testing their boundaries and experimenting in the hope of getting a reaction from adults.

"Hopefully, the novelty of using that word wears off and they replace it with something else like 'fantastic', something better.

"It's not always for attention, they may be just pushing the limits. They may want more freedom to express themselves."

But labelling these children, Marian says, is not the answer.

"There is no need to label them as 'bad children', they are just picking up and applying the word without knowing what it actually means. The words don't always fit the context and it usually has a different meaning.

"But it varies according to age group because many older children usually have learnt when and where to use these words, most of the time among their peers."

In Britain, she says, the situation is far worse than in Malaysia.

"The media has to bear the brunt of the blame. Even chefs on TV cooking shows use foul words. Technology has its advantages and disadvantages.

"Malaysian television is very good because they are trying to curb this problem by censoring shows.

"You may not be able to stop it completely because of other media, like the Internet. But you have to try all ways of controlling the use of these words."

Whether your child is being influenced by friends or is an influence, yelling and screaming at them will not solve the problem.

"There is no point shouting or yelling at them when they use bad words. It's better to correct them by saying, 'we don't quite like the word', 'it's not a nice word' or 'that's not the way to communicate'.

"Instead of reprimanding them, it's better to make them understand that it's wrong.

"Religion is a good way to instil good values. Being more spiritual will definitely help.

"It's also good to use a little humour and make the situation light-hearted but, at the same time, explain it a bit and check that word."

Whatever the age group, Marian says, children need to know their limits.

"There must be ground rules to teach children what they can and cannot do.

"But you have to give children a certain amount of leeway because you will not always be there to check them. They have to find out in their own way."

Children are not the only ones with vocabulary issues. Many kids pick up bad words from their own parents.

"It's difficult to teach children to behave and speak properly when parents themselves are using words like s**t* and f*** in front of their children.

"Instead of blurting out a bad word when you bump your toe, try changing it to 'ouch, that hurts'. It's important to be a positive role model," says Marian.

Embarrassed in public when their children use bad words they picked up at home, many parents claim they have no idea how their child came up with that.

But checking yourself first, Marian says, has to be done before you try to check your children.

"If you accidentally blurt out a bad word, you must recognise and apologise to your child. Otherwise, you are giving confusing messages to your children.

"If you allow your child to use bad words at an early age, you should not complain when they develop other bad habits in their teenage years.

"It's sad to see young kids being dressed up like adults with make-up and branded items. Many parents don't realise that they are grooming their children to have a certain image and grow up too soon. Let them be children."

What turned off some parents...

“I cancelled my subscription to all cartoon channels when my 4-year-old called me a ‘loser’ because I asked her to turn off the television at 11pm.”

“Most times when I talk to my 5-year-old, she would say, ‘that was so 30 minutes ago’.”

“When I turned off the lights to leave the house with my daughter, my 4-year-old son turned around to say, ‘I was wondering what the hell happened’.”

“When I told my daughter she had to clean her room, she stomped out muttering, ‘I’m going out to find a new parent’.”

“My daughter has started talking with an American accent she picked up from television shows and wearing similar make-up!”

“I’m not worried about the language as much the attitude kids are mimicking from their favourite characters, who are much older than her.”

“When my little one was told that he should not sit too close to the television, he told my husband that I should have got a bigger house.”

Media the biggest culprit

SUE Ann (not her real name) is a working mother with a 4-year-old daughter.

Although she spends quality time doing craft work and cooking with her daughter, the influence of cartoons was inevitable.

“It got to a point where my husband and I started doubting our parenting methods. Our daughter was a very sweet girl but over the past year, she had picked up inappropriate words from cartoon shows.

“I used to grow up with great cartoons which had moral values. Today, it seems cartoons are the biggest culprit in influencing the attitude of young children. I’d rather let her watch sitcoms instead,” she says.

After being “told off” by her daughter a few times, Sue Ann realised that she had to take control of the situation or she’ll never be able to communicate with her daughter.

“After much contemplation and discussions with my husband, we decided to ensure proper parental guidance by keeping her away from teen shows and ‘rude’ cartoons.

“We stopped most of the television packages and bought her more books. She was upset with us at first but eventually, she learnt to adjust.

“In just a few months, we saw a total change in our daughter. Now she is more polite and her attitude has improved tremendously,” Sue Ann says.

Although adults tend to blame the media for inculcating bad habits and adult language to the kids, they should realise that this was also present in the days when they were young.

“It’s easy to say that television and the Internet are the cause of social ills, but were we not exposed to such material before?” asks Dr Subash Kumar, senior lecturer and consultant psychiatrist of the television to music.

“The best way to curb this is not to ban or restrict the movies but to improve the role of parenting.

“A young child does not know right from wrong and so it is up to parents to determine the correct behaviour.

“You can’t stop everything from entering your home, so it is up to the parents to decide. Parents may have problems managing these kids because they may not be spending enough time with them.

“It’s important to build a relationship with a child. But that takes time and unfortunately, spending time with our kids has become a luxury now.”

Dr Subash says children model themselves after their parents.

“If the influence is not strong, then these children are going to turn to some other factor.”

“So we cannot blame our kids when they curse and shout when we are doing it ourselves.”