WHAT IS TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP. HOW TO TRUST WHEN YOUR INSECURE.

The Definition of Trust

by Calleen Wilder

Someone very dear to me was telling me just yesterday that they really don't trust anyone 100%.  And that made me think, neither do I.  In fact, my guess would be that neither does anyone, other than perhaps a very young child.  And even then it would be entirely dependent upon their childhood.

I have many people in my life that I trust to try very hard to help me out of a bad spot.  I also have many people in my life that I trust to share a "small" secret with.  I also trust many people not to purposely harm me, or at least, do their best to avoid it.  I also trust most of what many people share with me.  I trust that most people are basically good and want to do "the right thing". 

However, our opinion of the "right thing" might be completely different than their opinion of it. Therefore, how can I possibly be too disappointed when they betray my trust in minor ways, as in their opinion, they may not have violated their definition of trust at all.

There are many people that I care a great deal for, some I even love deeply, that I do not trust completely.  How can we trust someone with the deepest and dearest parts of us when they too are human and have their own life situations pressing them? 

A good example of this might be if you are in a relationship and your partner takes up with another person, has an affair so to speak.  This is a strong violation of trust, however, again, we are all human and sometimes we do blatantly stupid things.  Things that hurt other people, even when that was the farthest thing from our minds when we did it.

So what then?  Do we refuse to trust them again, hold it over their heads for the rest of our lives, or run away vowing never to love again?

I guess that depends upon the people involved, the precise events, and really it boils down to what you want to do.  I don't believe any of these things are better than the other, but some are healthier for our hearts than others.

In my past I have been cheated on, as many people have.  I have also been the cheater.  Did I do it because I was weak?  Or was it simply my way of sabotaging something that should have ended a long time ago?  Either way, I probably dented someone's ability to trust in having done so.

What I'm saying is that we simply can't expect more from someone than we are capable of giving ourselves, and none of us have clean hands....even though I'd like to sometimes convince myself I do...I know better.

And before any one thinks my last month involved an affair of some sort, let me get my husband off the hook and tell you....no....that was not what made my month so crazy...I'm simply using this as an example because so many people feel this is the ultimate betrayal of trust; probably because it hurts so much.

So who do we trust?  How much should we trust?  Why must we trust at all?

I believe we must trust people to one degree or another or we'll all go mad.  We need friends, confidantes and sometimes just someone we feel safe to lean on.  If we don't trust anyone we live a life of paranoia and fear, and who wants that?

So we must put our hearts out there every now and again and just hope that it doesn't come back too tattered.  Although, if we do it correctly, even if it does come back a little bruised, we know we'll get by....Why?

Because the key to trust is trusting ourselves.  Trusting ourselves to be OK when someone we love hurts us.  Trusting ourselves to do the best we are capable of doing for most of the time.  Trusting ourselves to never give up hope that tomorrow will be brighter and that even if it's not, we'll patiently wait for OUR TIME...because we know it's coming.

We trust in a higher purpose hopefully....a higher power.  If we do, we understand that there is a plan and we trust "they" have our best interest at heart, even when it hurts a bit getting to it.

We trust that in the end all of our broken hearts, disappointments and hard won lessons will have a reason and play a purpose in our lives and all of our lives to follow.

That's why I believe that the very best thing we can do for ourselves is this....when someone lets us down, betrays our trust or does something we consider untrustworthy, we forgive them.  We understand their human too and sometimes they are going to put their needs above ours.

Does that mean we have to stay in a relationship with them?  Of course not.  We have the right, indeed the duty, to treat ourselves well.  We HAVE to trust ourselves enough to at the very least take care of ourselves.  Therefore, sometimes we need to end relationships, jobs, friendships, habits, etc..., because that's the best thing for us to do.

The only thing we can hope for is that we can trust ourselves enough to do it in the best, most kind way possible so that we don't single-handedly destroy the trust of someone else.  Although I must say, I don't think anyone can single handedly perform such a monumental deed....usually the destruction of trust comes in the form of a slow erosion.

However, that being said, I also think that when we allow our trust to be destroyed, it is because we have chosen to let that happen.  It isn't possible for someone else outside of ourselves to change our minds to such a degree if we don't allow it to happen.

So, do I trust completely?  No.  Unfortunately, I'm just not that innocent any longer.  However, I do still trust, even in spite of the fact that we humans are never completely trustworthy....I guess I prefer to look at the glass as half full.  I would miss out on so many wonderful people and interactions if I didn't.  So will you.

If you allow life to scar you so deeply, then it suddenly doesn't really seem worth the living...and what a shame that would be.  I've seen people who have let that happen in their lives, and I can honestly say that is no where near where I want to be.

So trust me when I say....trust as much as you're personally comfortable with....know that people will surely let you down from time to time, and sometimes you'll want to hide under your covers and refuse to trust again....but it just isn't worth it.  If you trust yourself to always come out the other side of any situation both wiser and stronger, then the risk is not really that great.

Don't give up on people.  Most of them aren't trying to hurt you, and the few that are, usually don't matter that much in the scheme of your life for very long.  So do yourself a favor and let them go. 

You really will grow stronger for having gone through it, and you really will be OK, even if you don't want to be....because that's how life works.